Facial Wrinkle

wait i know it doesnt have paragraphs but stilll just read and review please.

Brooke Marquis stood in front of her full-length mirror checking out her ensemble for the big game. The Raiders have had a great season so far, and Brooke has been to every game, cheering them on with her best friends; Eden, Jordan, and Zoe, Jordan being the one enjoying the games the most, as she was sportiest of the four friends. The other girls go to the basketball games only to look at and rate the boys on the team. Brooke secretly really wanted The Raiders to win because of her best- guy –friend Nathen was on the team. Her outfit consisted of dark-wash skinny jeans, navy ballet top (navy being the school colors), jacket-Hoody from Aeropostale, and Gucci’s newest shoe the “Strappies”. She was sure to please as she always did. Brooke stepped out of the aloe-foot-bath mix that she had gotten from Bed Bath Beyond when she and her friends went to the mall, onto what seemed like a runway of towels leading to her bathroom (ivory as her room was) with white-as-snow counter, tile, bathtub, and shower. She carefully patted dry her feet; if she were to rub them with a towel it would make skin on her feet and ankles wrinkle and sag. She then slipped on the “Strappies” and was ready to go to the game. “Brooke”, said a smooth, man, voice from the black speaker (the only color in her all-white room) “ I’m going to send your friends up there. Are you decent?” Brooke pressed in the black button, “Yeah just send them up Mark, thanks” Mark was the Marquis’s Butler/ Driver. He was old but he didn’t show it with his fitted suit he wears every day on the job. Brooke has often thought about how many suits he owns seeing that he wears that outfit seven days a week. Her friends busted through her door and all said hey or hi at slightly different times. Eden Lowe, being the fashion czar looked at Brooke’s outfit and nodded in complete approval. Zoe complemented her on her outfit then quickly went back to eating her South Beach diet meal. “ Z why are you sooo worried about your weight, your hawt!” said Brooke “ Brooke look at this”, she said lifting the tail of her shirt and pinching her “Barely There Belly” “ I am in need of losing, like, at least 10 pounds if I want to fit into ANYTHING in the Aero sale Monday” “ Whatev Z shut up you look fine!” added Jordan than went back to talking to Eden about something that Brooke was oblivious of, trying to focus on her outfit and Zoe. Sometimes Brooke wondered if Zoe looked at the magazine’s photo shopped models with spray tans, and fake abs and felt insecure. She quickly shook off those thoughts, because NO ONE in the group was ever insecure. Everyone was pretty, had friends and family, had money. What Else? Brooke heard a loud eruption of laughs coming from across her solid white room. “What Happened?” Brooke giggle shouted. “I think Eden has officially lost her mind!” Jordan Yelled “She is actually thinking about saying yes to Chayse Wilson’s offer to go out with her!” Brooke was not surprised at this. She knew how Chayse worked. First he would use Eden to get Abby Cross (head cheerleader) jealous. Once she was, he would just leave Eden out in the cold. And then the cycle would continue over and over. “Eden, Chayse is a creep!” Yelled Zoe in between bites of her meal. “Yeah Eden he uses you more than a towel after a long soak in the hot tub.” Said Brooke. Brooke really wanted to get the discussion off of Eden and onto something else.

A few gramatic errors
Not very smooth, needs to flow
Take out all of you linking verbs they bore me
link verbs are;
am is are was were be being been become became seem appear look remain.
Don’t forget about semi-colens they work well.
I have noticed a few run-ons.
I like the story line but work on the actual content a little more

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